Should
Christian Parents Spank Their Children?
By Rick Creech
Chapter 1
To Spank Or
Not To Spank
Should Christians spank their children?
Some Christians think that a parent should spank their children because they
think the Bible tells them to do so. Because Christians believe the Bible to be
their instruction book on both faith and practice, it is very important to
carefully consider exactly what the Bible has to say on the
subject of the parent-child relationship, especially in regards to
spanking. To spank or not to spank, that is the question.
If you love your children, then one of the
great desires of your heart is to see your children grow up and do the right
thing and become the best that they can be. There are no guarantees, but loving
parents want to make sure that they do everything that they ought to do in
order to increase the odds in the favor of their children. There is a warning to
parents in the New Testament to make sure that they do not do something that
ends up provoking the children to wrath. The first part of Ephesians 6:4 says, "Fathers, provoke
not your children to wrath." What a shame it would be if a parent should start
the responsibilities of parenting with the wrong idea about what is important
in the upbringing of their children. In spite of how
much the parent loves the child, the parent might end up influencing the child
in the wrong way.
We are going to look at what the Bible has
to say on the subject of disciplining children. Does
the Bible instruct parents to spank their children?
Chapter
2
Important Principles To Know To Correctly
Interpret The Bible
In order to interpret the Bible correctly,
we must always remember that some passages are meant to be taken literally and
others are meant to be taken symbolically. If you take a particular passage of
the Bible literally when it was meant to be symbolic, then you will not
understand its true significance. For example, Jesus often taught by using
parables. When He taught about a sower who went forth
to sow seed, He was not primarily talking about real seed that a farmer plants
in the ground. The seed was symbolic of the Word of God. If you do not
understand the symbolism, then you do not understand what is really being
taught. The Bible is accurate and reliable and literally true in all passages,
but passages that have symbolism cannot be completely understood unless the
symbolism is understood.
Another important thing to realize when
studying the Bible is the fact that the Bible is divided up into the Old
Testament and the New Testament, and some of the things of the Old Testament
were done away with when the New Testament came into place. John
Never forget that there is a difference
between the Old Testament and the New Testament, and when you read something
from the Old Testament you should always try to determine if what you are
reading is something that has been more completely revealed in the New
Testament. Is there a moral principal involved that should be applied
differently now that we live in the age of grace? In the case of the woman who
was taken in adultery, Jesus did not allow the people to apply the strict
punishment of the Old Testament law. There are other harsh punishments
instructed by the Old Testament law that we also no longer apply today. Some of
these instructions have to do with the correction and discipline of children.
Jesus taught this important principle about
the difference between the old and the new. Jesus taught that the old and the
new should not be mixed. The new is a replacement for the old. Do not make the
mistake of improperly mixing the old with the new. Jesus said in Matthew 9:16,
“No man puts a piece of new cloth onto an old
garment, for that which is put in to fill it up takes from the garment and the
rent is made worse.”
In the example that Jesus gave, someone
needed to repair a tear in an old garment. To properly fix the garment so that
the tear would not be noticed, a patch needed to be used that would blend well
with the garment. A new patch on an old garment just would not do. The purpose
of a new garment is to replace an old garment and not to patch it. In many ways
the law of the Old Testament and the grace of the New Testament cannot be mixed
either. The new does away with the old. The new supersedes the old and gives a
better, a higher, and a more complete way. It takes a certain amount of
understanding and perception to determine which things in the Old Testament are
tied to the parts of the law that have been fulfilled and that have been put
away by the New Testament. The law came by Moses, but grace and truth came by
Jesus Christ.
In pointing this out we want to make clear
that we are in no way implying that the Old Testament is not valuable or useful
as part of the Word of God. The Old Testament is just as much a part of the
Word of God as the New Testament. Second Timothy
But we must not forget that the New
Testament is a more recent and a more complete revelation of certain truths
from God. We live in a different age than the people of the Old Testament. We
live in the age of grace, and the New Testament tells us higher and nobler things
than were revealed in the previous age, especially in regards to the Messiah
who is Jesus Christ the Lord, and especially in regards to the faith and
practice of those who believe in the Messiah and who follow the Messiah.
One more thing needs to be said about the
relationship between the Old Testament and the New Testament. Even though the
New Testament is a more recent and a more complete revelation of the truth from
God, the Old Testament and the New Testament are intricately intertwined. In a
real sense the New Testament is a commentary on the Old Testament and an
explanation of the Old Testament. That is why there are such a vast number of
quotations of Old Testament passages in the New Testament.
If you have a Bible such as the Schofield
Reference Bible that includes in the margins all of
the references to other Bible passages, then you can see this very easily. For
example, Romans chapter four is a great chapter in the New Testament on the subject of justification by faith. It has references
to Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, and the Psalms. We could go through each book of
the New Testament and find a massive number of direct quotations and references
to Old Testament passages. That is because the New Testament is directly
related to the Old Testament. The New Testament clarifies Old Testament
teachings. The New Testament emphasizes the things from the Old Testament that
we still need to observe. Be careful. Do not try to live in the context of the
Old Testament. Understand the relationship between the Old Testament and the
New Testament, but also understand that the New Testament has brought a more
complete way and a better way in many respects.
There is a vast amount of information in
the New Testament about the husband-wife relationship and about the
parent-child relationship, and not one thing is said about spanking. Surely if
spanking were an important part of bringing up a child in a Christian home in
the age in which we live, something would have been said about spanking in the
New Testament. Surely if spanking were so important for Christians, there would
be at least one New Testament passage that would tell Christian parents clearly
to spank their children. In the New Testament we are told to teach our children
and we are told to correct our children and we are told to love our children,
but we are never told to spank them. Of course, also we are not told to not
spank them either. But because of the differences between the Old Testament and
the New Testament and because of the warning to parents about provoking
children, parents should be wary about spanking and should seek guidance and
wisdom from the Lord.
Chapter
3
Old Testament Passages Used To Justify
Spanking
The Bible verses that are most commonly used by some to teach that Christian parents
should spank their children come entirely from the Old Testament and are:
1. Proverbs
2. Proverbs
3. Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not
correction from the child: for if you beat him with the rod, he shall not die.
Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shall deliver his soul from hell."
4. Proverbs 29:15 "The rod and
reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame."
There is an important question to ask about
these verses from the Old Testament. Do they apply today in the same way that
they did during the times of the Old Testament, or are these verses other
examples of the harshness of the law that are no longer to be applied in the
way they once were because we live in the age of grace? A good interpretation
of these verses is to say that the same principle still applies, in that
children still need to have the proper amount of correction, but the correction
should not be applied with a lot of spanking.
If we are going to take some of the verses
of the Old Testament that have to do with the punishment of children and apply
them literally, then we should take all of the verses
in the Old Testament that have to do with the punishment of children and apply
them all literally. Deuteronomy 21:18-21 says, "If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will
not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when
they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and
his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and
unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city,
This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a
glutton and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with
stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from
among you; and all
Of course, no one teaches that we should
apply this passage in Deuteronomy to our current day and age or that we should
apply it when we correct our children today. We recognize that the passage from
Deuteronomy in the Old Testament was for a different age and a different time.
It is much too harsh for the day in which we live. We can look at the verses in
Proverbs that have to do with using a "rod" on a
child in the same way even if we interpret these parts of Proverbs literally. A
good and valid interpretation of the Bible is to say that the above verses from
Deuteronomy and the Proverbs are among the things from the Old Testament that
are a part of the harshness and strictness of the law that should not be
applied in our day because of the difference between the Old Testament and the
New Testament and because of the difference between law and grace.
Also, spanking can be easily
over-emphasized and used in the wrong way. It is very critical to know when to
start spanking and when to stop. Obviously, a one-year-old child is too young
to spank, and a thirteen year old teenager is probably
too old to spank. Spanking can be easily abused. You should not spank when you
are angry. You should not spank too hard. You should not spank when the child
is too young or too old. And it says in Ephesians 6V4, “…provoke not your
children to wrath…” If you spank too much in the wrong way or at the wrong
time, I guarantee you that you will provoke them to wrath. Spanking is not a
silver bullet that solves the child-rearing challenge. Teaching children is
what parents are told to do. That is why Ephesians 6V4 also says, “…but bring
them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” The words “nurture” and
“admonition” both refer to teaching. Christians can be very unwise and doing
the exact opposite of what the New Testament tells them to do. How many
Christian parents spank their children, and then send them off to a corrupt and
depraved public school system for seven or eight hours of teaching humanism
every day? My advice is: find appropriate punishments but only when when necessary, and teach the children at home.
Chapter
4
Symbolism
We should also look at the possibility that
the aforementioned verses in Proverbs should be
applied symbolically. Of course, we are not trying to imply that there should
be no correction or no punishment given to children, but only that it often
does not have to be corporal punishment. If we give a symbolic meaning to the
verses in Proverbs, then the "rod of correction"
would simply mean that correction is a rod. Compare Proverbs 14:3 where the
word "rod" is used in another context that does not
involve the correction of children, and very obviously does not involve a
literal rod either. It says, "In the mouth of the foolish is a rod of pride: but the
lips of the wise shall preserve them."
This verse means that pride is a rod. It does not mean that there is a literal
rod or stick in the mouth of a foolish person. We do not have to interpret the
phrase "rod
of correction" as a literal rod
either. It means that correction is a rod. In other words, a parent must be
sure to give the proper correction to a child when the child misbehaves. Some
of the verses in Proverbs are not teaching a method of correction, but they are
teaching the importance of the proper amount of correction. Proverbs 29:17
says, “Correct thy
son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.” Do not make the mistake of assuming that this
verse or others like it are referring to corporal punishment.
In the book of First Corinthians Paul was
writing to the believers in the city of
Chapter
5
Do Not Equate Correction With Corporal
Punishment
Children, just like adults, love to hear
positive things said to them and about them. To not hear those things is in itself a punishment and a correction. When someone wants
to do what is right, just a reminder that they have failed can be an arrow that
pierces the soul. Look at the shame and the discouragement and the humiliation
that came over the Apostle Peter once he realized that he had denied the Lord,
and it did not even take a human voice to remind him of his error, just the
crowing of a rooster.
In the New Testament Hebrews 12:6-7 says, "For whom the Lord
loves he chastens, and scourges every son whom he receives. If you endure
chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father
chastens not?" In these verses the
chastisement that God sometimes gives to us is compared to the chastisement
that a father gives to his son. But God does not beat us with a literal rod,
and He does not strike us physically. We are reminded of the way in which He
dealt with Peter. He simply lets us know that He is displeased with us. God’s
chastisement is primarily communication whereby He lets us know that we have
failed, and then we are stricken in our conscience. The correction that the
parent is responsible for giving is the communication with the child whereby the
child knows that he has failed, knows why he has failed, and knows that the
parent is displeased with him. We humans are very sensitive creatures. It does
not take much to let someone know that you are not pleased with them: a glance,
a frown, a gesture. If the parent and child have a loving relationship, there
will be no greater punishment for the child than to know that the parent is not
pleased. The child will live and breathe just to hear these words from the
parent: "Well done, my child."
Jesus warned His followers against using
violence. The Bible says in Matthew 26:52, "Then said Jesus unto him, Put up
again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish
with the sword." Jesus also taught
that the way that you treat others is the way that they will end up treating
you. He said in Luke 6:38, “Give and it shall be
given unto you. Good measure, pressed down and shaken together, and running
over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that you mete
withal it shall be measured to you again.”
There will be negative consequences to the use of violence. Violence begets
violence, and striking begets striking. When a parent strikes a child, it can
be a form of violence. Often your own behavior and actions will teach your
children more than your words. Do not make the mistake of teaching your
children to use violence because of the example that you have given to them.
Jesus told His followers to be as wise as
serpents, but as gentle as lambs. In First Timothy chapter 3 we are given the
qualifications for a Christian man who might be selected as a pastor of a
church. One of the qualifications is listed in verse 3 as "no striker". This
means that he should not be someone who strikes other humans. There are no
exceptions given. He should not strike his neighbors, he should not strike his
co-workers, he should not strike his wife, and he should not strike his
children. In the Bible verse that follows the one that says that a pastor
should not be a striker, the Bible says that the pastor should have "his children in
subjection with all gravity." If
striking the children was meant to be used as one of the means to keep the
children in subjection with all gravity, then this would have been an excellent
occasion to give spanking as an exception to the commandment to be "no striker", but no exception is given. A pastor should
not be one who strikes others, and that includes his children. If a pastor should
not be a striker of anyone, then it should certainly be the goal of all other
Christians also.
Chapter
6
Discipline Refers To Teaching
Do not misunderstand. The right kind of correction
is very important for all human beings, and especially for children. Correction
is part of the learning process. If a person makes a mistake, the mistake needs
to be corrected. The result of the mistake needs to be corrected, and the
reason for the mistake also must be corrected so that the same mistake will not
happen again and so that a worse mistake does not happen next time.
One reason that people do the wrong thing
is because of a lack of understanding or a lack of knowledge of what the right
behavior should be. One value of the Holy Bible is the instruction given
concerning proper human behavior. Second Timothy
Of course, sometimes we do the wrong thing
even when we know what we should do. That is why a mature Christian will do the
proper amount of self-examination on a daily basis,
and when necessary, will confess and forsake his sins. But a child is similar
in some ways to an immature Christian and has not yet developed the discipline
to do this self-examination. The role of the parent is to assist the child in
this matter, not primarily with corporal punishment, but with correction,
reproof, and rebuke. It is a responsibility that is similar
to that of a pastor with his congregation. Paul wrote to Timothy about
this responsibility in Second Timothy 4:2 where it says, “…reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and
doctrine.” Corporal punishment is not the emphasis of the New Testament
as an indispensable part of bringing up a child. As a matter of fact, spanking
is not mentioned or even implied in any part of the New Testament. The right
kind of correction, centered around the right kind of teaching, is emphasized.
More than anything else a parent should be a teacher of his or her children.
The goal of the parent is to assist the
child in having the best behaviors possible. In order to accomplish this goal,
it is important to know why people do what they do. Why do humans do what they
do? If you know the answer to that question, then you will also know why your
children do what they do, and you will know the best way of influencing their
behavior. One of the reasons that human beings do what they do is because it is
what they want to do. All humans make choices. You cannot force anyone to do
anything, if they choose to resist at all cost. We have put too much emphasis
in our society on the power of the parent to control the children. In the Ten
Commandments there is one commandment that addresses the parent-child
relationship, and it puts the responsibility on the child. It reminds the child
of his or her responsibility to do what he ought to do. It says, "Honor your father
and mother" in Exodus
Both the Old Testament and New Testament
put major responsibility on the children. It is the children, the attitude of
the children, and the choices of the children that will determine if the child
is good and obedient or not. Spanking is not the primary factor that will
determine the issue. One reason is because violence begets violence and anger
begets anger. Right after admonishing the children to obey the parents, the
writer of Ephesians turns to the fathers and gives them a warning about their
own behavior and how they react to the children. The first part of Ephesians
6:4 says, "And
you fathers, provoke not your children to wrath."
Anger and violence are to be avoided in the
correction of children. What is the principal responsibility of the parent in
regards to the children? If the children are going to eventually make their own
choices and their own decisions in life, just like all human beings, then where
do the parents fit in? The second part of Ephesians 6:4 gives the answer. It
says, "...bring
them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." "Nurture and admonition" refer to what you say to a child: what you
teach them. The responsibility of a parent is to teach a child what is true and
good about the various situations of life, and then the child will have all the
information that is necessary to make the best decisions.
But there are no guarantees. A child can be
taught what is wise and good about a certain situation, but still reject the
wisdom that was given. You will not be the only one teaching things to your
children. The world will also be teaching them. Your children will hear other
ideas about life, as well as the things that you tell them. Every child will be
tempted because every human being is tempted. They will hear some good and some
bad, and then they will make choices. The parents’ responsibility is to ensure
that the children will at least have one source from which they will hear what
is good. When Solomon wrote the book of Proverbs, he began it as a parent
speaking to a son and pleading with the son to make the right decisions and to
not go the wrong way. That is the best that a parent can do. Ultimately, the
child makes his or her own decisions and then must live with the consequences
like every other person on the earth.
Solomon wrote in Proverbs chapter one and
verses 8-15, "My
son, hear the instruction of your father, and forsake not the law of your
mother: For they shall be an ornament of grace unto your head, and chains about
your neck. My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not. If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk
secretly for the innocent without cause: Let us swallow them up alive as the
grave; and whole, as those that go down into the pit: We shall find all
precious substance, we shall fill our houses with spoil: Cast in your lot among
us; let us all have one purse: My son, walk not thou in the way with them;
refrain your foot from their path."
The primary responsibility of the parent is
to teach the children and to clarify the issues. But for someone to be taught
something, there must be a teacher who teaches and a student who listens. The
teacher must have the right attitude and the right approach of a teacher in
order to be a good teacher, and the student must have the right attitude and
the right response of a student in order to be a good student. Proverbs 4:1-2
says, “Hear, you children, the instruction of a
father, and attend to know understanding. For I give you good doctrine, forsake
you not my law.” The objective is that learning will take place, but
certain kinds of failures on the part of the parent or on the part of the child
will be an obstacle to the learning process. If the parent is too punitive or
critical, then the child may be provoked to wrath and learning will not take
place. On the other hand, if the child is too rebellious and stubborn, then the
child will not listen to the parent and learning will not take place. Proverbs
22:6 says, "Train
up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from
it." Rich rewards are promised
when the child is properly trained by the parent, but the training will only
take place if two things happen. First, the parent must give the proper
information in the proper way. Second, the child must welcome and receive and
apply the information that is given to him or her from the parent. If either of
the two things fail to happen, then the child will not be trained up in the way
that he should go.
There are no guarantees. If someone is
given good and wise teachings about life and about what to do in various
situations, and then rejects the teachings, where does that leave that person?
Adam and Eve had two sons. Undoubtedly, both sons heard the same information
from their parents. One of the sons evidently rejected the teachings and became
a murderer. It was not the fault of the parents. It was the fault of the son,
Cain. The same kind of thing can happen to any parent. A parent might give the
right information in the right way to the child, but the child may choose to
not follow the instruction that was given to him or her. That is the fault of
the child, not the parent.
Chapter
7
Life Is A Teacher
When a child does make the wrong choice,
then he will suffer the consequences. That is one of the ways in which we are
all punished. Life punishes us and teaches us when we make wrong choices, and
that is why older usually means wiser. You will either learn from your parents,
or you will learn from life. The quicker and the safer way is to learn from the
parents. Life can be dangerous, and a foolish decision can result in a
shortened life. Ephesians 6:2-3 says, "Honor your father and mother; which is the first
commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live
long on the earth."
Because life is such a good teacher and
punisher, parents must be careful to not be too over-protective. The goal is to
protect the children from the dangers of life, but not to keep them from
learning the lessons of life. A good example of this is the child who
habitually forgets to take his lunch to school. On hearing that the child is at
school again without his lunch, the over-protective parent interrupts a busy
schedule and rushes off to school to make sure that the child does not go
without lunch. In such a case the child learns nothing and is apt to be just as
disorganized the next day when getting things together for school. In a case
like this spanking would not be appropriate either. Why not allow life to
correct and instruct the child? Hunger caused by the forgetfulness of the child
would be a great motivator the next morning when the child prepares for school.
Quite a few years ago an outsider visited a
tribe of Sioux Indians in
One day I was talking to a beautician in
When I made this point, she recounted to me
the following story concerning a problem that she once had with her young son
playing in the street. She had tried everything that she could think of to get
him to stop playing in the street. Nothing worked: not spanking, nor threats,
nor explanations. Finally, an idea dawned on the young mother. She took her
child down the road and found an animal that had been killed and then run over
several times. The mother showed the carcass to the child and made it clear
that this is what happens from playing in the street. Her son never played in
the street again. The lessons of life, what really happens as
a consequence of certain behaviors, are the best teachers of all.
Jesus taught a parable in Luke 15:11-32
that is called the parable of the lost son. We will quote Jesus from Luke
15:11-24 where He said, “A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said
to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that fall to me. And he
divided unto them his living. And not many days after the younger son gathered
all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his
substance with riotous living. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty
famine in that land; and he began to be in want. And he went and joined himself
to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine.
And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat:
and no man gave unto him. And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and
to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will
say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one
of thy hired servants. And he arose and came to his father. But when he was yet
a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and kissed
him. And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in
thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. But the father said to
the servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on
him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: And bring hither the
fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was
dead, and is alive again: he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.”
Of course, Jesus taught this parable to
show some important things about salvation. Jesus taught this parable to show
how much God loves lost souls because the father is symbolic of God. Jesus
taught this parable to show that no matter how great are your sins, Jesus will
always forgive you and receive you if you turn from your wicked ways and turn to
Him. When Jesus created this parable from His infinite mind, it was not by
accident that He used the relationship of a father and his sons. Therefore, it
is important for us to notice about this parable the fact that the father did
not punish the son in this incident. The son was definitely
punished, but not by the father. The son was punished by life, and the
son was punished by suffering the consequences of his own actions and his own
decisions. The father is pictured by Jesus as being compassionate, gentle, and
merciful. May God have mercy on our souls if our children grow up and do not
view us as having characteristics similar to this
father. If we are not compassionate, gentle, and merciful to our children, then
what have we done to them?
Chapter
8
Why Do People Do What They Do?
People do what they do because they think
that is how they will obtain the desired results. In other words, most actions
are done for positive reasons: in order to obtain that which is desired. A
comparatively smaller number of actions are done for negative reasons: in order
to avoid undesirable results. Punishment may be necessary at times, but the
fear of punishment will influence actions in a relatively small way because
punishment is a negative way of influencing behavior. The best way to help
motivate your children is to give them positive reasons to do what you would
like them to do. Praise and reward for the proper behaviors have a much greater
possibility of success than condemnation and punishment for the undesired
behaviors. The Apostle Paul did not make great efforts in evangelizing the
world out of fear of punishment from God. One of the reasons that Paul did what
he did was because he looked forward to receiving rewards from God for his
efforts. Paul wrote in Second Timothy 4:8, “Henceforth there is laid up for me
a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at
that day.” Paul also wrote to the Corinthians about having the proper
motivation to live the Christian life. According to Paul, this motivation
includes the desire to win prizes and rewards from God. Paul wrote in First
Corinthians 9:24-25, “Know
you not that they which run in a race run all, but one receives the prize? So
run, that you may obtain. And every man that strives for the mastery is
temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we
an incorruptible.”
Sometimes the results that people seek are
good, but in order to obtain those results, actions are chosen that fail to
give what was wanted. One of the challenges of life is not only to have the
proper goals, but to know which actions will result in the fulfilling of those
goals. Someone who really understands how life works will know which actions to
take in order to accomplish the desired results. Loving parents will want to
reinforce the best actions in their children. Honesty and integrity and
dependability and other traits of a good character are the things that a parent
will want to reinforce in their children. Such things will be best reinforced
by the positive effect of praise and reward. Constantly look for ways to
influence your child’s behavior through praise and reward.
My wife and I have three sons. For a period
of a couple of years I often tried to get my oldest son to mow the lawn. For
some reason this became a source of contention between the two of us. It seemed
that he always wanted to do something other than mow the lawn. Threats and
other punishments made little impact. One day my second oldest son came to me and
asked me if he could mow the lawn. I gladly granted his request, and when he
was finished, I praised the job that he did and gave him a reward of several
dollars. For many years afterward most of the lawn mowing was done by the
second son, something that he did willingly and happily, and of course he was
always rewarded for it. Notice the difference between negative reinforcement
and positive reinforcement. Which method had the best effect on obtaining the
desired behavior? Parents need to look for more opportunities to use praise and
reward to get the desired behaviors instead of using threats and punishments.
Chapter
9
Spanking Is Negative
Punishment is necessary at times, but corporal
punishment is almost never necessary, and it definitely is
not a requirement of the New Testament. Spanking is not wrong of itself, but it
can be easily abused, and it certainly is not commanded in the New Testament
that Christians spank their children. As previously noted, there are other ways
of looking at the verses of the Old Testament that some people use to justify
spanking. For those who think that spanking is important in the upbringing of
children, they should be aware of the fact that
spanking can be easily abused. If you think that a child deserves a small
spanking for something that he or she has done, then what does he or she
deserve when something really bad has been done? When
does a person cross the line from giving a spanking to giving a beating and
then to committing abuse? How do you define that line to a parent, and how do
you teach a parent to not cross that line? If people would use other means of
correcting their children rather than corporal punishment, no one would harm a
child by having crossed the line.
If parents spank their children, they may
be giving the message that it is good to strike another human if you are bigger
and stronger and if you do not like what that person has done. Sometimes young
children learn behavior by copying their parents’ behavior. Some children learn
to hit other children because they themselves were hit by their parents. To
strike someone in any context is an act of aggression and violence. We often
ask why we have such a violent society. One reason may be because of the violence
that some children learned through the spankings they received from their
parents.
The goal of the parent should be to become
a teacher and a trusted advisor to the child. Discipline is important, but do
not forget the primary meaning of the word discipline. The American Heritage
Dictionary gives the primary meaning as: “Training
that is expected to produce a specified character or pattern of behavior,
especially that which is expected to produce moral or mental improvement.”
To discipline does not mean to spank; it means to train and to teach. The
followers of Jesus were called disciples, not because of punishment that they
received from Jesus, but because of the teaching that they received from Him.
Parents who spank their children may forget
just how much bigger they are than their children. Violence can put a wedge and
a barrier between parent and child. There are children who grow up spending the
rest of their lives fearing the voice of their father or remembering with
terror hearing his footsteps coming up the stairs. Such tales of tormented
souls and divided families would have never happened if more people had taken
the time to teach and instruct their children, instead of the quick way out
that spanking appeared to give them.
Even those who teach that you should spank
your children would admit that there is an age at which the child is too young
to spank and there is an age at which the child is too old to spank. Obviously,
no one would spank a new-born. They would too easily be hurt, and they would
not understand what was being done or why any way. How do you define exactly
when a child is old enough or big enough to spank? No one can define that, and
the Bible does not define it either. For this reason alone, it is better not to
spank. Do you want to harm a child physically or emotionally? If not, then do
not use corporal punishment as your first option.
Chapter
10
Other Cultures Did Not Spank: With Good Results
Spanking can easily be counter-productive. There
are examples of people who used little or no spanking, and yet who had very
good results in seeing their children become responsible and well-adjusted
members of their society. Corporal punishment has the possibility of driving a
wedge between parent and child. Anything that injures the trust between parent
and child can only be negative and harmful to the child-rearing process. It is
critical that the child views himself as being loved and being accepted as a
part of the family unit. As the child matures this confident sense of belonging
will naturally be transferred by the child to other relationships in the
community and in his or her world.
Spanking and the violence associated with
spanking can drive this sense of belonging out of a child. In a study of the
Iroquois Indians made by B. H. Quain in the book
entitled Cooperation and Competition Among Primitive Peoples it was
noted, “Corporal punishment was not used… Thus, the parents’ reputation for
benevolence was kept intact: there was nothing in the child’s life to alienate
him from the kin group.” The author noted the following major characteristics
of the Iroquois society: “Insistence upon social virtues which are defined as
bravery and initiative on the one hand and support of the established order on
the other,” and the Iroquois society was described as having a “well-organized
cohesive kin group.” We must emphasize once again that these things were
accomplished without the corporal punishment of their children.
The loving parent will want to see his child
grow up with a healthy view of self and with the right kind of self-esteem and
self-confidence. There is a logical connection between the wrong kind of
corporal punishment and harm to a child’s self-esteem. Is there any evidence
from a study of human beings that a lack of corporal punishment can be related
to high self-esteem? In a study of the Dakota Sioux Indians written by
Jeannette Mirsky in the book Cooperation and Competition Among Primitive
Peoples she noted that in the upbringing of their children that “there is
very little corporal punishment.” Then in describing these people it was noted
that they were characterized by “marked ego development,” and that the Dakota
had “relatively high security” and a “strong kin group.”
Those who think that corporal punishment
and spanking are important elements in the upbringing of a child run the risk
of harming a child’s self-esteem and view of self. They also run the risk of
being on the wrong side of a serious warning given by Christ when He said in
Matthew 18:6, “But whoso shall offend one of these
little ones which believe in me, it were better for
him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in
the depth of the sea.” To offend in the Greek language means to cause to
stumble. Every child has such a great potential. Only the proper training
can bring that potential to fruition. The wrong kind of correction can be a
stumbling-block to the healthy development of the child.
Corporal punishment is often not the
answer. Strictness and harshness are not the answer. As in most things in life,
the answer can be found in the example that Jesus gave us. Surely anyone who
reads the gospels does not get a picture of Jesus striking a child for any
reason. Jesus gave us an example of kindness and gentleness towards children.
Jesus said in Mark
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Copyright; 1999 by Charles F. (Rick) Creech
All Rights Reserved